


Duet of the Rose

by RainbowSheltie



Series: Vanilla Swirl [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Brain Trauma, Coma, Drama, Heaven, Hell, Kidnapping, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Memory Loss, Romance, Size Kink, Temporary Character Death, size queen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowSheltie/pseuds/RainbowSheltie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Adam died, he had been taken to the Realm of the Dead (Hell) without judgement, but is eventually granted a second chance to regain his rightful place. One last chance to choose between life or death (Heaven). By all rights, Adam should not be allowed back into the Realm of the Living, yet Tommy has unknowingly kept the last shard of Adam's soul within him--the only thing linking Adam to the world he left behind. </p><p>The price to return is steep, but no sacrifice is too great when it comes to the people you love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Quietus

**Author's Note:**

> **BETA** : TheSupernova  
>  **PROMPT** : You die, only to find that heaven is only hell.
> 
>  **NOTES** : Oh, and I had just finished watching (again) Dr. Who (10th doctor/David Tennant) w/Rose Tyler (my favorite of his companions). In fact, the title of this fic is inspired by Rose and the last two episodes (Army of Ghosts/Doomsday). That is where the "This is the story of how I died" came from.
> 
> In fact, that is how each of the chapters will start.
> 
> David Tennant is Best Doctor Ever. Which... has nothing at all to do with this fic. :D

_Stay with me now I'm facing my last solemn hour_  
_Hear the crowd in the distance, screaming out my faith  
Now their voices are fading, I can feel no more pain_

_The Heart Of Everything by Within Temptation_

* * *

This is the story of how I died.

It seemed ironic somehow, that I died the day before my album was to be released. I was walking home from the grocery story with Tommy and we were laughing about something I can no longer recall. It was going so perfectly until the silence descended upon us again. The laughter wasn't real. It was strained and such a terrible sound.

Tommy knew I couldn't carry the groceries back by myself and the store was only a few blocks from my house—our house—so I liked walking.

We were fighting, and it started the night I kicked Tommy out of the house. I apologized later after we both had time to cool off but I wasn't allowed back into our bedroom. The couch wasn't really big enough for me. Tommy perhaps, but he was smaller, shorter and always perfect; even now, he's beautiful and will forever be in my heart.

The fight seems so inconsequential now. It had been going on for more than a week and yet I can't seem to remember why or how it started. Nothing I did was good enough and I was reaching my breaking point but the last words I ever heard from him were heartbreaking.

_"You think you know me so well, Adam Lambert? Fuck you, just - Fuck. You. You think you know me? 'Cause you don't know jack shit so you can just take your "I love you's" and shove them up your ass!"_

His voice was frigid and cutting. Despite the warm breeze kissing my skin, I felt a cold chill race through my body. In all the many arguments we've had he's never acted like this. I've always said that I could feel his heart beating against my own but I've never felt more alone as I did in that moment. All I've ever done was love him. I know he's been acting odd this week, like something was bothering him but he wouldn't tell me what it was. I never pushed him for an answer even though I was worried. I don't know what I did wrong.  

I felt betrayed because I'd given him everything and he  _knew_ my weaknesses, knew exactly what buttons set me off, and which hurt me the most. I trusted him because no matter how angry we were at each other, he knew when to back off and when to apologize. I couldn't stop the tears or the cries bubbling from my throat. Why would he say those things? Why would he throw my love back in my face?

Even now, I love him still.

The grocery bags I was holding crashed to the floor, the sound of breaking glass; all I could think about was of all the ruined food.

Tommy's face looked horrified by what he had said when I lifted my head to meet his eyes. I could see he was just as affected by the words he had spouted in anger, a mistake he could no longer take back. If wishes were real, I'm sure if it were possible he would rewind the sands of time, but there would be no second chances.

Tommy dropped his own bags in response; cracked jars of dill pickles and salsa filled the air. His face was set in disbelief and the dawning realization that he might actually have meant what he said, or maybe he was afraid of what was to come because of it? He moved towards me, hand outstretched and I automatically backed up. I didn't want him near me. Didn't want the comfort or excuses to wash over his behavior. I wish, too, that I could have stopped myself retreating from Tommy's proffered hand.  

I shook my head when he tried apologizing because that wouldn't be enough this time. It wouldn't make it better and I couldn't stop myself from wondering if there wasn't some truth hidden behind those words. I  _love_  him and he's never done this to me before. My feet kept moving me backwards, disbelief shining in my own eyes, and for a second, I thought I saw tears running down his cheeks as well.

But I had backed up too far, hadn't been looking where I was going, and suddenly I felt the curb give way under my feet. My body overbalanced and I fell flat on my back, head bouncing with a sick sounding  _crack_  against the asphalt. My head felt like it had been split open and I could feel a rash of pain scour my body from the bloody tears and bruises the road scraped against my skin.

My boyfriend was running towards me now, and just as I was struggling to sit up, checking my head for blood... that's when it ended. I never saw it coming, and my body felt one big jolt as I was thrown through the air. The squealing of brakes had been deafening but I was already starting to forget; I was trapped in my body, in my head and I was growing so, so cold. I couldn't feel the pain anymore, and flashes of memories and videos of my life were flashing across my eyes.

My days spent in the American Idol mansion, taking second place in the season finale. I relived the first day Tommy auditioned for my band, the concerts we played together, the touring and jamming sessions. My favorite memories started shortly after: memories of every date I shared with Tommy, each time Tommy allowed me inside his body and the days where we simply sat and laughed together, watching his horror movies or my vampire TV show reruns.

The next memories I held were the times where I watched Tommy finally come to terms with his sexuality, one he had been suppressing - first for his parents then for the peer pressure in high school. Ironically, the way he acted and dressed told of a man comfortable with his body and he acted free and almost unburdened by the dictations placed upon them from the media’s and society’s expectations.

That too had been a lie, the mask of comfort within him, and the process of acceptance had been a long, arduous one. I tried to understand why it was so important that people think him straight, considering how many times I had my tongue down his throat on stage during the Glam Nation tour. Fear, though, is powerful.

I never allowed myself to follow through on my feelings for him, although I felt a sense of sexuality confusion radiating from him whenever we were together.

Then, one day it was as if his bisexuality was nothing to fear. He called me a few weeks after his revelation, at two in the morning and told me he needed to see me and that it couldn't wait. When he greeted me at the door something inside me just  _knew_. I never noticed how anxious Tommy had been all these years until it was gone; there was a sense of peace that I never noticed was missing before.

_"I'm sorry I never noticed before." Tommy tried to keep his voice steady but it was starting to break. "You've waited for me, haven't you?"_

I never thought I had been waiting until he asked. I never knew that Tommy had been having a crisis like this, and it was strange to think about. I've always watched him closely and until that moment, I thought I had known... more than I did, I guess, about who Tommy really was.

But that's what dating is for after all, to get to know one another. He asked me out and so, at two am that very morning we went to an all-night diner for an early breakfast and coffee. We were both tired - me more so because I had just gotten to sleep an hour prior, having come back late from a friend's birthday party. I had been fervently refusing to acknowledge the hangover I felt starting to set in.

The worst of the flashbacks came in the form of my dreams, the plans I had for my future. My career, the band, my boyfriend. I wanted to marry him one day; I'm not ready to commit like that just now - I'm still not, but I wanted to. I wanted to retire one day with Tommy by my side, my music living on in my heart and knowing that if my music and all the things it stood for (equality, self-acceptance, tolerance, hope) changed the life of just one person, if I gave them hope, courage, happiness, or even the ability to accept both themselves and the people around them, then I'll know that I had done what I set out to do with my life.

When the images stopped, I found my ears mysteriously plugged and silent, and an intolerable pain was beginning to overwhelm my senses. My vision was dimming and I found I couldn't focus; before my eyes closed for the last time, before I accepted the light which beckoned me through the darkness, Tommy's face hovered over mine.

In one last burst of strength I didn't know I possessed I reached my hand up, Tommy catching it half way and bringing it to his face. I smiled and said the only words which my heart knew to be true even if Tommy would never love me or long for my touch again.

 _"I still love you, baby."_

 


	2. Endless

In the face of my new life; in the distraction and obsession with my new surroundings, I had failed to notice the snaky, black tendrils creeping up behind me. They wrapped tightly around my ankles and wrists, and I was pulled so fast from the light that it didn't have time to protect me from the darkness. Too late did I sense the light reach out for me, trying to save me and bring me home.

What I thought was my salvation was nothing more than a small, glittering star growing dimmer. The light and warmth I had felt completely left my body and I cried for all that I had lost.

* * *

This is the realm of the dead; hell. The concept of time reaches no borders. For every second that passes by me, so too does the passing of our universe. The rise and fall of great civilizations, of entire galaxies and suns. I've witnessed an indefinite number of big bangs. Above me lies each sun blanking out one by one. _Everything comes to an end_.

How long does each universe last? How long does _existence_ last? From the creation of everything to its compete desolation, crosses before my path in the blink of an eye. A cold, dark eternity; but with rebirth comes hope. Existence is created out of nothing but hope and sorrow.

There are things in this place that feel warm and comforting, and many others that arenot. There are days when the light of the sun passes overhead or I find a made-up bed to sleep on, instead of resting upon a floor made up of walking shadows.

Grass and open expanse of fields surround me now; rocks and paths and trees. Flowers. Deceivingly beautiful.

A human soul requires two things to survive.

The first is light. I'm not talking about heat from sunlight or a fire. It's the warmth I felt just before the tendrils dragged me down to Hell. Whether you call this the light of Heaven, of the Elusion Fields or the afterlife, it doesn't matter. No one can survive without it.

I can't explain what it is. It's not a thing you can see or hear or touch. But I don't know what to believe anymore. It's something every human takes for granted and I find myself missing something I never knew existed. It's gone now, and I feel cold inside.

The second is social interaction. Human beings are social creatures by nature. We need human contact to thrive; it's not just about physical contact or conversational interactions.

Fuck, it doesn't matter if you're an introvert who prefers to be alone, or if you live your life as a hermit, desperately trying to convince yourself that the whole of humanity doesn't exist. What matters most is that there are _people_ out there; they _exist_.

_You aren't the last. You aren't the only or the one._

But I'm in the _Realm of the Dead_. I was, am and will always be the last and the alone. I can feel it. Hell exists outside of time and space; of logic and common sense. I have wandered for all eternity and not once found another human soul. Nothing but moving shadows and whisperings in my head.

I am not alone, but I _am_ alone. Because the things _living_ here are not alive; they do not exist, yet I can _see_ them so they _must_ exist. But they do not.

There are traces of Tommy everywhere. In the corner of my eyes I can see flashes of blonde hair, and feel phantom hands caressing my skin. My weaknesses are fleshed out for all to see. I am naked and bare.

I just am. I exist. Forever and without end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Big Bang** : A cosmic explosion that marked the beginning of the universe.


	3. The Cannot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BETA** : TheSupernova

But this is also a story about how I was saved.

In my heart, the only thing that is more powerful than this lasting damnation, is the strength of my love. Through time and space or Heaven and Hell, there is only one name on my lips, one heart beating in tune with mine and the image of one man who will forever walk with me throughout this non-existential eternity I've found myself in.

Even Hell is not powerful enough to suppress that. It has broken me in every way; everything that I once was, am or will be now belongs to the whims of a Master beyond my imagining. My body is not my own; it's a puppet, a toy, a prostitute and a killer. Defiled and ugly; my nightmare and my dream. I am no one and everyone.

I will continue to be turned inside out and devoured whole. I am nothing and everything.

I am.

Only Tommy prevents that last shred of my soul from being consumed by shadows. My soul was a diamond to be chipped away at until nothing but a single shard remains. It's a spark so small, it's become an impossible event; it doesn't exist and by all law and nature and rules of Hell, it is the Never. The dark fears it, because it cannot own it. My spark cannot die, it cannot live, it cannot exist and it cannot leave my body. It is the Cannot.

And it will be the Cannot that will save me. 


	4. The Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BETA** : TheSupernova

_Follow s_ _weet_ _children, I'll show thee the way  
__Through all the pain and the sorrow  
__Weep not p_ _oor_ _children, for life is this way  
__Murdering b_ _eauty_ _and p_ _assions_

\- _Come Little Children_ by Eurtan

* * *

This is the story of how the Never has become the Cannot.

Hell has become the Never and I have become the Cannot. Tendrils of light snaked around my ankles and wrists and I was pulled so fast from the dark that it didn't have time to protect me from the light.

The light healed my mind and my torment; the whispers of angels embrace me, and I heard their song; beloved. My body has been released, and I am free.

Heaven's sorrow is illimitable. It is sorry, for what had been done to me and weeping, for my soul has become irreparable; so damned that not even Heaven's light can undo what Hell has submitted me to.

But I was the one who let the darkness in. I let Tommy reach too far into my soul; he broke what was left of our love like shattered glass, and used it to cut my eyes, to rip my throat and castrate my love.

_"Give him up," the light told me, "and we will welcome you back. This man has become your salvation in the dark; Hell has made him so. We are to be your salvation now. We are to replace him in your heart, for to know serenity, is to forget what has been done."_

The light beckons me, and I long to follow its call. For I am afraid, of the shadows whisping around the edges of everything, and the dark tendrils keening for my soul.

_"Face the light; keep walking until you reach the end of the tunnel. Do not look back. The darkness will be on your heels," it warns me. "Choose your fate. But know that if you turn around, you will have forsaken the light. There is no turning back."_

Heaven is but the light of ignorance and bliss. If I am to live without pain, then I must forsake the lover I left behind. My salvation is to live in the lie that Tommy does not exist, that my love which has kept me strong will be erased from my heart. 

What is Hell, if it means that I shall remember forever that Tommy is no longer mine to love, that he turned his back on all that we meant to each other? What is Hell, if it is knowing you were loved, but never will be again? What does it mean, if I find myself living in a realm where a love so weaved into my soul, that it has kept me alive within the shadows? I know that Tommy loved me and with that knowledge remains hope that he may find his way back to me again. I will never stop loving him.

Heaven has become Hell. Now let the universe end and begin its cycle anew, let time be frozen and my body taken and used. Let Hell be home, for Tommy's love has always been so.


	5. Utopia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BETA** : TheSupernova

_I've been so lost since you've gone_  
_You gave up the fight, you left me behind  
_ _You'll always be mine, I know deep inside_

_\- Forgiven_ by Within Temptation

* * *

This is the story of my body on Earth.

The remnants of my soul exist within a single, gleaming shard that Hell cannot taint or destroy. Through it can I hear Tommy's voice. It's usually a soundless thing, a heavy sigh that travels the entire universe just to find me.

_"Forgive me."_

I had forsaken the light, but there's this funny little thing about Heaven: forgiveness eternal. I will always be welcome, I know that now because even as I turned my back, Heaven reached out to me and said: " _I forgive you._ "

In repentance, the light had given me a gift: a piece of my soul imbued with the light of Heaven.  I thought Hell had despoiled my soul, save for a single shard, but the light is as beautiful as it is powerful. It was able to purify a single, glittering shard from the depths of the abyss and return it to me.

My link to the Realm of the Living is stronger now; the darkness' hold upon me is slipping.

_"Come back, please, my love."_

I see a door of shimmering colors to my right. As I walk closer, I can hear Tommy's voice through the keyhole.

_"I was angry. So, so angry." Tommy was crying uncontrollably; a sorrowful sound. "Why the fuck did I think your love would always be there for me? Why did I take it--you--for granted? I believed you would never leave me. That you would always be here to forgive me, no matter how much I fucked up. I see now, that I was wrong."_

The longer I stayed pressed against the door of life, the stronger the living creatures of Hell were able to pull at my body. I felt their small, clawed hands piercing through my skin, ripping holes in flesh and tearing open my wounds to empty me out. As I pressed against the door, I rested my hand upon the door handle and found it unlocked. I opened it to find myself in the Realm of Twilight: the place between the living and the dead.

I knew Hell would not let me go, but it bade me this: one last chance to say goodbye. For when my baby dies, he will never fall so low as to be taken by the darkness. Hell cannot touch him, for Tommy is the light and no matter what he has done in life, I've seen his heart. It is pure and Tommy can only follow his instincts, even if his anger gets the best of him sometimes.

I am content to return to my place in the dark, as long as I know that Tommy will go to a place where the shadows fear to tread.

_"Everyone thought I was crazy when I refused to let you die. Three years, you know? The doctors tell me that your brain has switched off. Brain death, they called it. They don't know how your body survived the accident. They keep saying it's a miracle the machines are able to keep you alive at all. They keep saying "you should be dead" and that your body has become a vegetable."_

_Tommy huffed out a laughed. "They say you'll never wake up or if you do, you'll be no more than an empty shell. Everyone thinks I should let you die, because it hurts them to see you in this condition but... I can't. I don't know why. But I'm the only one who can make that final decision. Pull the plug. Remember? Your living will grants me complete power of attorney. Though the family has tried to legally wrest it from me. Ha! They can't though, so I'm not worried."_

_"I was always hoping one day you would ask me to marry you. I guess it's my turn to ask. Will you marry me, Adam Lambert? I know a gourmet cupcake shop in town where they make custom cupcakes; I'll get a large one and have them put miniature figurines of us on top. "_

_"I keep thinking that I should have bought you a wedding ring, but then I remember that you wear too many rings and jewelry already. You like to change it up, with all those clothes and accessories and all. But a tattoo--that's something permanent, something special--so I got a tattoo for the both of us and I think you'll like it. I'm already inked, but yours is a temporary tattoo. I reapply it the moment it begins to fade, so we'll be forever connected."_

_"I didn't put a tux on for our wedding, but I had one of your friends--one of the few who didn't think I was crazy--pretend to marry us and I don't regret it. Pretending to marry you like this. To marry a man who has all but died."_

_"I can't always sit by your bed, so I've had a computer with a webcam set up so I can watch over you no matter where I am. Even though it_ _’_ _s not the same, it lets me pretend I'm sitting in the same room with you. Faithfully sitting by my husband's side."_

_"Did you know I haven't had sex with anyone since your accident? It's always been you. Never thought I would give that up, huh? Sex with a real person." Tommy gave a short, breathy laugh. "I've never been celibate before, but it's not so bad. I still call your name when I pretend that dildo pressed inside me is you. When my hands glide down my skin, I pretend it's you and when I close my eyes, I can almost hear your voice whisper my name and tell me that no matter how much I fuck up, you'll always love me. That's what you said, before it... happened. You said, "I still love you, baby." Well, guess what? I'll never stop loving you, either."_

_"I moved you again, but I think you'll like it here. It has a beautiful view of the park. It's always busy there, so many people going about their business: jogging in pairs, children playing, dogs on leashes and birds nesting by the pond."_

_"It's expensive here. Thankfully my career has taken off, because this place is exclusive and exclusive means expensive. But it's worth it. I've been moving you around every few weeks, because you never could stay in one place for very long. You liked traveling. Plus, I'd go crazy if I didn't move you around. With every new location I get to settle you in, rearrange your furniture, and talk to you about what's going on outside your window. It keeps me from thinking too much about the accident."_

_"Your family still thinks that I should let you go. What kind of life will you be living if you cannot talk, take care of yourself or make decisions about your life? It's always the same thing with them. I know they love you and on some level, I know they are right because it's hard, seeing you so lifeless and still. But I'd like to think that you're alive and that you can hear me. I think it_ _’_ _s the only thing that keeps me sane anymore."_

_"I just... I can't let you go. I'll never give you up and I'll never stop believing that you'll one day return to me. If I'm living a lie, then so be it because it's better to live in the light of ignorance than the darkness of truth. I would rather live in Hell, clinging onto that one spark inside of me that loves you than live in Heaven, pretending that I've moved on without you. To be in Heaven means living without pain and Earthly attachments, and the only way that'll happen is if I forget you ever existed. If you're not waiting for me in Heaven, then to Hell I shall go."_

_"I'm keeping you alive so we can grow old together, just like you wanted. It's the only dream I can make come true. The only dream left for us."_


	6. Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **BETA** : TheSupernova

This is a story of reparation.

When I opened the door, I was back at the beginning, in the dawn of the Realm of Twilight. The in-between where Heaven and Hell collide; in the center of everything, a place I have never been. The ground here feels stable and I know immediately this is the place where souls are judged. Some are dealt their final sentence, a culmination of all that has been—all that they are—and yet others are given a chance to return.

I'm in a small concrete room. Two windows lay across from one another; one has darkness seeping through the cracks, filtering into one side of the room while the other side is bright and welcoming. Behind me is the familiar, shimmering door but before me is a sliding glass door. The clouds outside are dark and overcast, a heavy downpour of rain beating against the glass. It's nighttime. A long, dimly lit pathway is lined with small domed lights and the front lawn is drowning in the rain. Two porch lamps light the surrounding doorway. 

The door beckons me, the light tempts me, and Hell opens its arms to take me home. I've been in pain for so long that my body automatically bathes itself in the light's sweet, devilish temptation. My memories of Hell begin to fade, trapping it into the void and reducing its hold on me to ashes. But only when Tommy is by my side will I walk into Heaven. I turned my back on the light once before, and I shall do so again.

So I walked away, and across from me I saw the darkness slide the bottom half of the window up, and all at once a dark fog poured in. Before I could further cross the doors separating the two halves of the room, a small gathering of Reapers blocked my path.

They were short, shadowy creatures with fathomless eyes and enormous, piercing claws meant to slice the threads connecting the soul to its mortal body. They skittered around, crawling along the walls and ceiling; twisting, slinking, _creeping_ among the room. I saw them frantically gathering along the windows and the door frame leading back the way I had come. One by one they pressed themselves between the frames, a black squirming mass covering all the exits but one.

A few of the Reapers slinked up towards me like cats; their bodies phasing between an undulating mass and solid shadow. Rumbling purrs echoed in the darkness around me.

 _"This place here should you have been judged; the past and present, future lost."_  
_"The Grim Reaper should have judged you. It did not. But here it comes to right a wrong that never should have been."_  
_"Reapers we are, the passing we bring. We are the harvesters of souls. "_  
_"Tricked we were, and sorry we are. Death your soul received, which should not have been. Stolen from us and sent to Hell."  
_ _"The Grim Reaper is here to fix this mess. Servants were are and messages we give. This door is life, a chance we give."_

I recognized the arbitrator of souls as soon as it strode through the door leading to the Realm of the Dead.

_"I am Death," the Grim Reaper said._

As he walked around me, I noticed a small cluster of Reapers treading in Death's wake, following him as servants to a Master. It finally stopped in front of the sliding glass door leading to the Realm of the Living.

 _"The price,"_ _Death told me, "to return will be extremely high. Do you want to know the price for stepping through that door?"_

_"Tell me," I said. "Tell me the price."_

I would do anything to return to Tommy, to the man whose soul is crying out for my return. He has proven remorseful for his past actions, and for letting his anger take control; he loves me and deserves my forgiveness. And for never giving up hope.

_"No man returns from Hell and twice turns away the gift of Heaven." Death paused; tapping its skeletal chin. "There is an amaranthine war raging here, an eternal battle known as the Ouroboros. Your soul may not have been judged, but you still chose a side."_

_I didn't know what to say to that, but Death didn't seem to care if I answered or not because he wasn't finished._

_"I should not even allow this second chance but-"_

Death was interrupted by two tendrils sneaking out from the corner of each window: one of light and one of pitch darkness. They circled Death slowly, and from the tense atmosphere in the room, I assumed the tendrils each were representatives of Heaven and Hell, respectively and seemed to be in some sort of debate with Death. 

Now, I'm not sure if Death ever looked happy, but whatever they were talking about seemed to grate on its nerves. When the tendrils left when Death nodded, probably having come to some sort of decision.

_"Because you chose a side, two pieces of your soul shall remain in death: one in Heaven, purified, and one in Hell, tainted damnation." Death roamed his gaze up and down my body and I couldn't stop the involuntary shudder which ran through me. "The dark and the light are natural enemies. They fight in a war, one hoping to conquer the other. But the human soul is a coveted and priceless commodity. Forcing you to choose a side was a covenant that should never have been broken and for that, we give you this._

_"An opportunity." Death moved aside and pointed a long, boney finger at the door._

_"This is the first half of the price you shall pay: forever shall you remember the eternity spent watching the universe die and unfold in rebirth, the torture and rape of your body and mind. Hell has rightful claim, so Hell you shall remember._

_"And because of this, you shall find yourself forever living in the shadow of my Reapers. Death is on your heels, should you care to look._

_"The second is this: three passions shall you keep and three passions shall I erase. Chose wisely, for there is no going back. There must be a balance in all things; you have died and part of you shall remain with us in death."_

Erasure meant a total reset of my mind and body. Losing what makes me who I am means the Adam Lambert who returns to Realm of the Living will not be the same man who died all those years ago, and I can think of no higher price than that.

I can only pray that I'll be forgiven for what I am about to do. My friends, family and loved ones, my fans—they have always mattered as much, or more than my career. And yet, their love has always been unconditional; so I hope they'll understand that I need to take care of myself first. I'm already losing so much that I can't bear to go back into the world without the one thing that has always defined me. And will continue to do so, until the Reapers take me home once more.

Since Death has been throwing all these ‘forever’s’ and ‘shall's’ into his words, I can only assume it's some sort of official speaking voice used for contracts and negotiations. It's awkward, but I can't afford to fuck this up. Besides, it can't do any harm to try and emulate it. Just in case.

_"These three things shall I keep: my career as an artist, my love for Tommy and my passion for life."_

An artist embodies music, fashion, business and social skills; everything I need to survive in such a competitive media market. And everything I have learned in life, in school and the beliefs and emotions that have shaped me—my personality—is the other half of my success. It's what draws in people from all over the world. I may be changing, but I still need to be the Adam Lambert they fell in love with, if only reminiscently.

My love for Tommy is the reason I'm doing this and without a passion for life, I may as well be dead.

Death nodded, while waiting a beat longer to make sure I had made my final decision. _"You chose your words well, and I am impressed. The consequences shall I now name: your love for this man shall be pure, a feeling lodged so deeply in your heart that it cannot be erased. However, outside of your career as an artist, he shall be nameless and forgotten. You will not remember him, but your love will have proven strong enough to defeat even death._

_"Only one more passion shall I take: your past. For that is the steepest price of all. Your family, friends, and your memories in both mind and body will no longer exist. Everyone lives two lives, and you chose your career over your personal life. You will leave this part of you behind; it is an acceptable balance._

He went on to explain that the rest of my body would be like the void: nothing but an empty shell to be filled. All my emotions, memories, experiences, sensations, skills, abilities, and muscle memory unrelated to the success and requirements of an artist would be purged.

I can feel Death watching my back as I step towards the door that will take me back to Tommy, but my hand hesitates as it reaches for the doorknob. Before I died, we would have been together almost five years. I'll remember none of it, but my love has already spanned an eternity, kept me alive in the darkest reaches of Hell and if it can survive that, then there is hope for us.

I've forsaken the people I love for my music, and as hard as that decision was, sometimes my happiness—and those of others, requires sacrifices greater then I could have ever imagined.

But this isn't just about me; millions of people have been touched by my music, whose lives have changed and healed because I reached into their hearts and told them not to give up. In my beliefs and unwillingness to change who I am for the sake of the others who fear and hate me has taught the world that being yourself is the best person you can be. My happiness lies within the knowledge that I'm making a difference in this world and I cannot give that up.

* * *

 _"Whenever one person steps up and says, wait a minute, this is wrong, it helps others do the same."_

_\- Gloria Steinem_


End file.
